= flower child =

Friday, July 01, 2005

graduation ...

excitment ... turns into disappointment as i realised that the important people who i wish to be there might not be able to ....

diappointment .... i dun like ...

Friday, June 17, 2005

strangers ....

Why do strangers meet and get to know each other in the first place?

Why then do strangers become friends?

Why then do strangers to friends become lovers?

Why then do lovers "somehow" becomes back to strangers ... as if they never knew each other ... nor gone thru the process of "strangers -> friends -> lovers"???

Why?Why?Why?

Why the strange-ness?Why the strain and tension?Why the politeness?

Why Why Why ............................ ?

i dunno... i am just very lost .... confused .... frustrated ....

Thursday, June 16, 2005

童话 by 光良

忘了有多久 再没听到你对我说你最爱的故事
我想了很久 我开始慌了 是不是我又做错了什么
你哭著对我说 童话里都是骗人的 我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后 我的天空 星星都亮了
我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你

你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局

你哭著对我说 童话里都是骗人的 我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后 我的天空 星星都亮了
我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局

我要变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
我会变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
一起写我们的结局



wo ke wang you wo zhi zi de tong hua ...yong you zhi zi de wang zi ... shou hu wo ....

Saturday, June 11, 2005

self assumptions are harmful....

i realised that i tend to self-assume certain things in my life ... especially those important stuff. i guess i need to learn not to assume that everyone else has the same sentiments as me ... if not ... one-sided assumptions are only going to get myself hurt .... deeply

in the meantime,i must also learn not to have any discussions that involves luring myself into self assumptions again .... dun want to give myself false hopes and fall flat on my face... in case i break my own heart .....

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

just something i saw on Shan's blog...

"Treasure each & every single person around you!!! Whatever bad patch you might have with each individual, always remember that each & everyone of us are HUMANs...And, HUMANs are not INFALLIBLE!(infallible=incapable of making mistakes)"

"open up your little heart & learn to forgive though it is impossible to forget...Forgiving DOES NOT equal to Forget...So dun force it upon yourself to forget the unhappiness..."

"Forgive because Forgiving brings along with it Happiness & Peace to the heart!!!"

Thursday, May 19, 2005

R.O.M - something interesting about the big thing in life.... ^_^

it has always been my habit to listen to class 95 before i zzz every nite ... and that nite topic was "do u believe in whirlwind marriages?". that nite, this interesting guy,Luke called in and commented:

"why not?when the feelings are right?people these days no longer get married spontantnously anymore cause of the financial obligations that they are tied to. As we all know, getting married in singapore is EXPENSIVE business...couples these days rather wait till they meet societal or parental approval before marrying... if so, by the time they dated 5,6 years... where has all the excitement and the feelings goes?"

today,someone close to me also commented on this issue... as in when is the right time to ROM? when you find a rich husband? when you are finanically secure? or when you feel that you have dated the "correct" amount of time before everyone "encourages" you to marry? in fact, when a couple is in love, when the feeling is right and that both are sure that this is the person that i wanna spend the rest of their lives with and waking up to that person every day, it does not matter when you marry!all it takes is "love" .. not financial security ... not the amount of time you spend together...

she also said that marriage does not means the end of courtship, it only gives more meaning to it. couple who had rom and have no financial security can continue dating and at the same time build a future together. things which are built together will be much more cherished by each other .... she used a friend as a case in pt. this fren of her got married to her guy after dating for 3 months.the guy was still studying then.now,few years down the road, they are very much happily married, expecting their first child....

ROM not only changes each other status ... [female, from a Miss to a Mrs. male, from single to married] but it is also a more permanent form of commitment for the couple. hence, when the time is right, the feeling is right ... the guy/girl is right .... WHY NOT???!!! don't wait till the time "unripes" ... hehehe ....

hehe ... what are your thoughts???? ^_^

Friday, May 13, 2005

updates ...

whew ... it has been a long long time since i sat down to blog. in the midst of my absence, lots of things had happened ....

1) my dear dear shan.... "what goes round,comes round"!hehee... can't believe that i am finally hearing it from u!! hehehe.... anyway ..... back to serious things... i believe that you know what u are doing and if the time is really right, and the feeling goes ... why not? ^_^ but do be careful and remember our caution yah? i guess all that we ever wanted is for u is to be "HAPPY" and get the happiness that you truly deserved! ^_~ *hugs*

2) appreciation ...

dear dear: MUACK!!! thank you for the wonderful flowers and the hai tun wan nian ren vcds!!!! thank you for all your efforts, thoughts and love ... you are the best present ever!!!! MUacccK!!!!

to someone out there: all i ever wanted is for you to be happy .... to thank you for your love and care all these years ... why can't u jus appreciate what i have done ..... your words had greatly hurt me....

3) responsibility ...

i think it is everyone's own responsibility to take charge of his/her life and make sure that things in priority is taken into consideration. mostly then not, also consider the feelings of others. i am very fed up and angry that ppl who for their own reasons, inconvenience others as well as putting their priorities in peril ... i just hope that such incidents do not happen again ... i can't bear my trust to be taken for granted again .... if not ... i am not sure what will i do .....

Friday, April 29, 2005

ISM paper and social geron paper...

9 am .....

got Dr Mehta, my supervisor's paper .. not too bad a paper. doable but ... sigh ... most probably get a B ba... cos i got a C for my assignment .... sigh... in fact, i will be GLAD if i DO get a B!!!hai ...

ISM paper ...

got back my paper ... and guess what i got a bloodly B-!!! what the hell lor!!!i know my work.it deserves a B+ .. not a B-.I was self-consoling myself that the worst grade i can get is a B but... hai .. that bitch supervisor of mine gave me a BLOODY B-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh !!! i dun deserve that lor!!! @!#@^%$&%^*%^& man!!! the paper is 70% lorz! exams 30% ... i confirm will get a C for this module lorz!! i am so pissed off!!! i dun even know where to begin to write to vent off this horrible horrible feeling of mine ... of injustice and anger!!!! i am just so heated up at the injustices of this!!!! i can feel this reservoir of tears building up ... as well as the overflowing of lava from the erupted volcano that exists in me now... i need to cry ... but the tears just won't come ... i need to vent my anger and frustrations.. but i have no avenue cos i have a paper tml ... i just feel so cooped up ... like a hen in a chicken farm .... the only space she has is the space that she stands on on her two tiny claws .... the only breathing space she has is the tiny hole which she sticks her head out to drink and eat her feed .....

Man ..... argh .......... i am just so ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 am .... and i am still awake.... hai..

it's 2 am plus plus le ... yet i am still very awake ... hai ... dozed off for a while just now.. woke up feeling very hot and sticky .. after that .... hai .. its mentally but physically awake state le... hai ...

now sitting in front of Pearlyn's laptop trying to drain myself mentally by playing Bejeweled.. but.. hai.. i am still very much awake!!! argh ... sigh...

dunno why .. but i am just very very de fan ... can't sleep ... no matter how i try to psycho myself... i just can't sleep ... hai.... think i sort of gave up tml paper le ... hai ... think i am gg to do really badly this semester ... hai .... dun think i will fail... but ... the possibility of doing badly is there....

GEK 1500 - is a dead paper ... very difficult ... at most a D ba...

SW 4202 - a surprise paper ... not sure how i will fare .. but most probably a B or C

SW 4208 - supervisor paper... how "well" can i do?hai ... another B or C

SW 4218 - hai ... this is a i dunno one... B or C

IT 1002 - goner ... just S i will be happy le ...

the exam mood: i gave up le .... yes. no joke. i gave up le ... i am just sitting for each paper as it comes... hai ... bad attitude but ... dunno lah ... just feel so .... inadequate ....

there are a myraid of thots gg thru my head now... but i just can't put them into words? and this is not good.... it is like i am trapped in this maze of emotions and thoughts but i can't get out ... and i am just running into corners ... again and again .. draining my emotional energy .. making me more frustrated .... making me more confused ... the more i try to get out .. the more frustrated i get .... and the more energy i lose... the more i try to get out ... the more i can't ...

hai...... what am i doing!!!! Zheng Danlin!!!! wake up ah!!! sigh .. only if this kinda of "wakeup" call will wake me up .... hai...

i miss home ... i miss my bed ... i miss my messy cozy room ... i miss my blanket ... i miss mom... i miss deardear ... i miss ... i miss dear....

i miss deardear bears .... i miss listening to Class 95 before sleeping ... i miss our nightly conversation ... i miss zackery ..... i miss ...

hai ...

hai....

hai...

hai....

hia ... letting all the gas from my lungs before i drown from them ... hai ....

i wan to go swimming .... i wan to go gym .... i feel like "rain" are falling upon me for no reasons... i keep having nightmares.. keep having pessimistic thoughts about things... things that might not happen ... keep thinking about ... hai ....

jus so many things... so many things....

blabbering away .... with no conscious thoughts of what i am writing about ....

wish for "rain" to fall.... but it is not .... it is raining very heavily inside .. but outside? it is dry and barren ... feel as if i am gg to crack le .... hai ...

Thursday, April 28, 2005

learning to look at things from another perspectives???

alot of recent events had made me very upset and xing fan .... especially the exams and others............... just now when i was taking a shower,a quote from someone,somewhere pop into my head,"learn to look at things from another perspective". well, when this thought first came into my mind, it didn't make any sense cause i was very fan. but.... well.. after a while... things seems to be clearer to me and i began to feel ... better.well.... it came to my realisation that when we are trapped in our own feelings and situations, we can't see beyond our own perspectives and into other people's perspectives. hence,we tend to feel trapped and fan for a long while..... it is good to take a deep breather... look at the other presenting perspectives and maybe ... just maybe... realise that.. things are not that bad afterall.... *wink*

hmm.. am i self-consoling myself?or am i what?hai ... dunnno.as long as i am feeling better.. why not? *wink*

and at this moment, Yewei told Pearlyn this....

"when someone does something to make u sad, you will be reminded of the most recent things which that someone had done to make you sad ... forgetting the good things that somebody had done to make you happy when you were down ..... "

this was very significant especially when he added this....

"remember the first time when he hug you?the first time he carried you in his arms?"

and this made me realise ... that ... in fact, i was very narrow minded and petty on focusing on my own emotions... neglecting to think of his current situation ... and of all the good times we had together.And this is the truth of all humans. whenever we get upset, we get into the vicious cycle of thinking about all the"bad times" ... neglecting to think of the good times we had previously .. and of the other person's situation ... why he/she said what he/she said at that moment of time. only if we all learn to look at things from another perspective ... life will be so much better.... and harmonious.... relationships will not break down and all of us will be ... happy.

guess.. that is a task that not many can do ... for myself.. i hope that i can learn from this incident and become a better person and girlfriend.

28th April ......

Today's weather is weird!one moment sunny, the next... 10 seconds shower. Guess it's a reflection of my eratic mood?*shrugs* no idea.... hai...

around 3plus, just felt super de fan with all the studying.... was wishing that dear could be here to give me a hug though i know that he can't [but which he most probably would if he could*hugs dear!*] and he is most probably very sian with whatever he needs to do at the fieldcamp too... consoled myself that i am having things easier ... just mental stress, not like deardear... mental and physical stress....*sayang deardear*

went to Harborfront to have Shilin XiaoChi with Pearlyn.. hehe... ate tian bu la...oyster mee sua... nice!!! though it is very different from the taiwan's one .. but it is still nice!! hehe ... thinking of going with deardear to eat this saturday ... hehe .... deardear, wan? = )

after dinner, we walked around a bit as Pearlyn was quite stress. Yewei made her upset and she starting crying when we got into the car... hence i have to take over the wheel. To be truthful, i have no confidence of doing it!!! argh .. i know that i am not a very good driver.. yes i am not as deardear and Brother can testify to that ... now plus Pearlyn .. hai.. anyway, back to my story... deardear called just when i got out of the Harborfront multistorey carpark... man! it was a damn exciting experience lah! driving down the spiral!!! hehe .... = ) though i know that deardear will be worried .... and indeed he was when i spoke to him after we reached back hall...

deardear was very disappointed when i din pick up his calls .. i was disappointed too that i was driving when he called!!!hai .... just a very bad day for us ba ... me being stress... he being tired.... anyway .. we talked for a while and i "whined" ... that why did he have to book out in the afternoon on sat .... not exactly complaining .. but well .. guess i sounded like i was ba... deardear got very sian cos of that .. hai ... felt super bad about it... cos i know he don't mean for that to happen. ... and for me .. i was just whinning.. cos i really heng xiang ta.... hai ....

i am pretty upset now .. cos i got deardear worried, disappointed and upset ... hai ... dunno lah .... think muz b the weather that is making all of us so cranky and upset with things .... just dunno what to do ... whatever i say or do seems to be so wrong ..... hai .... maybe i should really do some self reflection... hai ......

dunno lah... know that i am just blubbering le... just feel so xin fan now .... really really xiang ta.. but ... it is a wu nai situation ... me exams... dear .. ns .. what to do?i can't complain ... sigh ... guess i just need to remind myself to be more understanding ... ARGH.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAO XIN FAN AH.....................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not exactly crying.. but definately feel like it... damn it! i dun like the feeling i have now .... hai ... hai ... hai ...... never mind ... shall just blame it on the weather .... why did it suddenly start "raining" .....? hai ....

Monday, April 25, 2005

double standards ... Forgiveness...

girls always complain that there exist this double standards between their relationship with their boyfriends and especially so the issue of forgiveness.... based on my own understanding of my guy friends and my past relationships[excluding my current], i came to realise that guys ... don't forgive as easily as girls.....

when a girl made her boyfriend angry,his reaction when she tries to 'hong' him:
"if i am angry, don't expect me to forgive u easily. i will only do so when i have finished being angry with you. no matter how much u beg, cry or apologise, it doesn't matter. what matter is my own feelings, anger and ego. i will forgive you when i am ready to... don't bother trying to do anything to accelerate the defusing of my anger..it does not work..."

when her boyfriend made her angry, her reaction when he tries to 'hong' her:
"well, just don't do it next time ... " and she most probably will be soft-hearted and will forgive him on the spot, usually after he gives her a hug and forget about the whole incident and be happy ....

what he expects of his girlfriend when he made her angry:
to forgive him asap when he starts to 'hong' her... normally when that don't happen, he will most probably sulk or throw a temper, exclaiming, "i have already apologise and tried honging you,why can't u just forgive me and foget?"

well .... isn't that double standards??? when a guy made his girlfriend upset, he expects almost immediate forgiveness. and when that don't happen, who gets the brunt of his anger?his GIRLFRIEND who is upset. but in the end have to go HONG him JUST because her anger with him has yet to defuse.... i am not talking about equality ... just fairness in attitude and treatment in a relationship.Guys always shrugs or sulk whenever we girls talk about double standards that exist in the relationship,claiming that we girls are just stirring up troubles or being nonsensical...HELLO!!! guys, look at yourself in the mirror first before screaming at US!acknowledge that these double standards do exist ... it is not something we made it out to stir up troubles or whatever ....

we done nothing wrong to deserve such attitudes from u guys. u expect sweetness, niceness, considerations, demureness, care and concern, devotion, faithfulness and love from us, we give u all to u not cause u ask for it .. but cause we love u.and in exchange, we got so misunderstood... we just wan fairness in attitudes and treatment ... that's all...

*shrugs* got lots more things on my mind ... but just dunno how to put them in words .. so ...that's all for now ...

Friday, April 22, 2005

dear ... thank you... = )

DearDear,

thank you for your constant presence and TLC in my life despite your absence during your range. = ) [hehe] Really felt that you are very sweet by asking Pearlyn n Ushan to call me when you are not available to do that .... *smile* thanks dear ... i really appreciate that ... = ) no words can truly express how i feel ... maybe... "BLISS" ... hehehe.... yah .. i am living in bliss ...

thank you dear... 512 1314 584 3344 ... hehe ...correct? hehe ... = )

dear ..... wo xiang ni .... = )

the thin fine line between being responsible and irresponsible...

RESPONSIBLE ... RESPONSIBLITIES ...

it is just a thin fine line whether is one considered responsible or nt based on one's own perspectives and relevance to one's situations. alot of things which i studied yesterday about reminiscencing came up as i think about this issue.Reminiscencing is about reflecting one's person past and actions, usually coming to terms with past regrets by re-experiencing the memories and re-integrating it into something more acceptable. This process can be done via group or personal...but mostly individually up in the head or unconsciously. and when i considered the things we do, especially things regarding one's responsibilties or things which we felt responsible for, we also tend to "reminiscence", i.e. re-play the actions in our head, re-integrating it into something which our conscience can live with........

for most people, it is done unconsciously ... but for people who had studied abt such things ... are we deliberately freeing ourselves from guilt araising from our irresponsible behavior?or are we just doing a natural process of clearing the conscience ... i really have no idea!i am very confused about this now .... felt that all the reasons i had cited are for my own benefits ... and not really targeting the situation .... i felt as if i am pushing all the blame away .. freeing myself from a lifetime of guilt ... by normalising and internalising that this is the best course ... but it is truly the best course or am i just "making" everything into something that it is easier for my conscience to swallow ..............?

*lost*

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

SZZ passed away le.... *sobsob*

SZZ fell sick a week ago. ever since then, she stopped eating ... and she started growing extra skin on her neck. a few days ago, while bathing her, i realised that she started having boils on her neck and face.today ... when i came back from studying with Weixin.... she is dead ....

SZZ and SDD are my first pets .... when i found SZZ dead ... my tears just keep flowing ... like the endless flow of a flowing stream....

i buried her downstairs ... near the shelter where deardear always pick me up. the ground was very hard ... i tried very very hard ... very very long before finally managed to dig a slighty deeper hole to put her in .... after putting her in ... i put the soil over her .... as i took the last look at her before the soil covers her ... i felt as if she is still alive .... looking at me ....

initially, deardear intended to go down to the fish farm this sat to chk out what is SZZ suffering from and find a cure for her .... he [deardear] was even telling me last nite that if SZZ really passed away ... we shall bury her together...but...but... never... never in my expectations... did i ... =...(

deardear... dui bu qi .... i din take good care of her ....

Monday, April 18, 2005

musing ... Expectations

ever wonder why do one blog? for some, it is a good way of updating your friends and loved ones about your day to day living and situations, locally or overseas.for others, it is just a personal diary.however, for those who blog,for whatever their reasons, some are very dissatisfied with the way that their loved ones react towards their blog ... one friend of mine used to grumble that none of her friends care for her as none of them bother to read her blog!to her, she felt very unappreciated for her efforts. A close fren told her this, "you may EXPECT your loved ones to LOVE you in the way that you EXPECT them to, but they not doing THE WAY you EXPECT them to does not mean that they don't love you or any lesser."
to a certain extent, what the fren said is true. one can't always expect people to do things the way we expect them to .... and indeed, quite fruitless to get upset over such a thing. but, whenever we do things for others, there is always some form of expectations.even if one person knows logically that things that people do may not mean what they "emotionally" think, they will still get upset. cause humans are more of a emotional creature than logical. therefore, there will always be the expectations there and the "time to time" emotional upsets when these expectations are not met. for example, we tend to say that whatever we are doing is for the person whom we are doing for to be happy. isn't there an expectation already?the expectation for that person to be happy. won't we feel disappointed if that person whom we expected to be happy is not happy or as happy as we feel that they will be when they recieved what we had done for them?if so, there is already an expectation there, we can't say that we have no expectations...cause, logically and emotionally, there is already hidden expectations.
for me,i blog to let my friends and loved ones to know my thoughts, how i am doing and how am i. therefore,i can't help but do feel disappointed from times to times when a certain someone don't have the time to read my blog or just barely scan through when there is time. logically i know that time is the reason for not being able to read my blog.but emotionally,i can't help but feel that my thoughts,my feelings that i am trying to put across is not being understood.Alot of times, i tried to console myself when my emotional self got the better of me by telling myself that "time is the factor!!!". well, at times, it helps.at others, it didn't. though i learn in social work and my own life experience that "when you can't change the environment,change your mindset".but i also learnt that in life, life is not as simple as we all paint it to be.mostly, our emotional self rule.when that happened, it is very difficult to change one's own mindset and feel better about the whole thing.
so ... the rationale of today's blog entry: theories are just theories. we may learn about them and reflect about them but.... there is only so much we can do..... dun put too much pressure on one own self to do what is RIGHT ... at times,we just need to acknowledge that we are only humans....

do not wait... tomorrow may never comes...

In life,we always have some reason to put things off to "tomorrow" ... this is a habit which most of us have ... the habit of "PROCASTINATION" ... just read something meaningful .. and i would like to share with all the people i know .....

If you're mad with someone,
and nobody's there to fix the situation...
You fix it .

Maybe today, that person still wants to be your friend .
And if u don't, tomorrow can be too late .

If you're in love with somebody , but that person doesn't know...
tell her/him.
Maybe today, that person is also in love with you .
And if you don't say it, tomorrow can be too late.

If you really want to kiss somebody...
kiss her/him.
Maybe that person wants a kiss from you, too.
And if you don't kiss her/him today,
tomorrow can be too late.

If you still love a person that you think has forgetten you...
tell her/him.
Maybe that person have always loved you.
And if you don't tell her/him today,
tomorrow can be too late.

If you need a hug of a friend...
ask her/him for it.
Maybe they need it more than you do.
And if you don't ask for it today, tomorrow can be too late.

If you really have friends who you appreciate...
tell them.
Maybe they appreciate you as well.
That if you don't and they leave or go far away today,
tomorrow can be too late.

If you love your parents, and never had the chanceto show them... do it.
Maybe you have them there to show them how you feel.
That if you don't and they leave today, then tomorrow can be too late.

In life, we tend to regret only after things had happened ... and we often reponse with, "If only .... i had.... " why live life with regrets ...??? do something about your habit of putting off things!!! and one will find ... life can be more beautiful and meaningful than before........

The Law of SEeds

Read something interesting from Shan bulletin ... jus wanna share...

Take a look at an apple tree.
There might be five hundred apples on the tree,
but each apple has just ten seeds.
That's a lot of seeds!

We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to
grow just a few more apple trees?"
Nature has something to teach us here.
It's telling us: "Not all seeds grow.
In life,most seeds never grow.

So if you really want to make something happen,
you had better try more than once."
This might mean:
You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.
You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.
You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, one car, one vacuum cleaner,
one insurance policy, ora business idea. And you might meet a hundred acquaintances just to
find one special friend.
When we understand the "Law of the Seed",
we don't get so disappointed.

We stop feeling like victims. We learn how to deal with things that happen to us.
Laws of nature are not things to take personally.
We just need to understand them - and work with them.
IN A NUTSHELL Successful people fail more often.
But they plant more seeds.
When Things Are Beyond your control, here's
something that you must NOT DO so as to avoid
misery in your life:

You must not decide how you think the world SHOULD be.
You must not make rules for how everyone SHOULD behave.
Then, when the world doesn't obey your rules, you get angry!
That's what miserable people do!
On the other hand, let's say you expect that:
Friends SHOULD return favours.
People SHOULD appreciate you.
Planes SHOULD arrive on time.
Everyone SHOULD be honest.
Your husband or best friend SHOULD remember your birthday.

These expectations may sound reasonable.
But often, these things won't happen!

"I WOULD PREFER "A", BUT IF "B" HAPPENS, IT'S OK TOO!"
This is really a change in mindset.
It is a shift in attitude, and it gives you more peace of mind .
You prefer that people are polite ... but when they are rude,
it doesn't ruin your day.
You prefer sunshine ... but if it rains, it is ok too!
To become happier, we either need to

a) Change the world, or
b) Change our thinking.

It is easier to change our Thinking!
IN A NUTSHELL It is not the problem that is the issue, but rather
it is your attitude attending to the problem that is the problem.
It's not what happens to you that determine your happiness.
It's how you think about what happens to you!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Past...Present...Future....

things that happen in the present is actually repercussions of yesterday's issues.the reason why a girl would feel so insecure about the current relationship has alot to do with what had happened to her in the past .... a lot of times, when the girl feel insecure, it does not mean that the girl is not happy with what the current guy is doing ... nor it is that the current guy is unable to make her trust him or help her feel secure ... it is just that trust doesn't come easily for someone who had been hurt so many times in the past .... for someone who is wounded emotionally to trust someone [even if that person is someone whom she loves with all her heart and whom she knows love her back with just as much love as she has for him] with all that she has in a very short period of time is .. just too much to expect of her...... but this does not mean that she dun trust him ... just that she needs time .... time to let go of the past ... time to forget about what had happened .... know this, memories are hard to erase ....

give her time ... have faith in her .... that she will recover and that one day, she will tell you, "dear,i trust you... with all my heart, soul and life... = ) " don't give up on her! dun be inpatient with her! she needs your understanding most now ... not your sulkiness or frustrations. believe me, i bet she felt worse than you .... for her not to be secure in the relationship with the person she loved most in her life ... the person whom she wants to spend the rest of her life with....

Sunday, April 10, 2005

PEOPLE .... U KNOW WHO U R .... PAY UP IF U OWE ME MONEY!!!!!!

I AM SO FUCKING IRRITATED!!!![MELVIN,this does not apply to u........] FUCKING IRRITATING PEOPLE WHO SAID THAT THEY WILL RETURN ME MY MONEY DIDN'T AND PLAY ME OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!! I AM SO ANGRY THAT I AM CRYING AS I AM TYPING THIS ENTRY!!!

Do you guys out there think that i am not human with financial needs?i had LOAN or EXTENDED your PAYMENT cause i am NICE and not cause i am FUCKING RICH!!!! why can't you just return me as u had PROMISED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really cannot understand why are people so fucking mean and bastardy!!! why it is that being a nice person ALWAYS gets terrible things that happened to them... why are people so ignornant of others' feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why why why~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 04, 2005

is it possible to right a wrong.....

my musing continues .........

can a wrong be right?by doing a right?no ... i dun think so ... it is similar to an analogy which i like to use .... when one dug a hole, he knows that its wrong to dug the whole.in order to rectify the mistake,he dug another hole and use the soil from the new hole to fill up the wrong hole .... however..this does not right the wrong nor solve the situation as his life will forever be digging up holes to cover all the previous holes that were dug....

it is really important to live life right .... because life is merciless....many a times,one will find that there is no way a wrong can be right the easy way.hence....most people take the "easy" way out... to continue doing wrong to right the previous wrong....

life is pathetic if one is to live life the way it is .. but ain't all of us prisoner of our own lives?that sometimes, it is really "sheng bu you zi"??? can we all really live freely as we want?and not suffer cause and effect?no... no one can.

at least,we should learn from our mistakes and not make another .... ever again ....

once u take a wrong step ... it is almost ... impossible to retrace ur step and do right again .....

hmmm... just musing ..... away....

MUSing ....

in life,we are always busy with something.whenever our nagging conscience asked us to take a break to reflect on our lives,we always have an "excuse"; i am too busy to reflect!is this really true?or are we just cowards,who refuses to look into the "mirror" and see our own wrongdoings?in fact,most of us live in denial everyday....

some,behave as if they are very happy,cheerful and bubbly...without a worry in the world.the truth:ocean deep hurts which no one can fathom.

others,pretend to be happy so as to not worry people around them.in truth:living a second life whom no one will ever acknowledge...

me?i am just living a life of denial...a life of incongruence.the actions which i am executing every single moment of my life is full of contradictions.at times,i want to cry,but i don't cry not cause i there is no tears, but cause of the people around me.many a times, the tears are all hidden inside my heart.....

a few days from now,all my papers will be done....i can finally take a breather and concentrate on my studies for the exams...but,i am not the lest happy.i feel as if there are so much things that needs to be done but i have yet to do ... there are so many things to consider before making a decision,but i am not thinking.i am simply reacting as rationally as i can to the situation.... just living every moment as it is ..... as if there is no tomorrow ....

will there be a tomorrow where i will be able to smile,laugh,cry and shout in sync with my emotions?or will i be having many tomorrows of facade?can i cry tomorrow?or the day after...can i cry now,with no consequences?no,i can't.life is about cause and effect.whatever i choose to do will have an impact,either on me,the environment or the people around me.

now,i have to make a choice.however, there choice is a rational choice, not one of emotion.in making this decision,i have taken into account the situation,the consequences and the effects it will have on everyone around me.....i wish..i wish .... i can make this decision based on my own wants and wishes ... and not anyone .... and do what i want... but,i am not sure of what i want either ...

hai....isn't life contradictory?on one hand, i want freedom of choice ..... but the other...i dunno what i want....

hai....

i am not feeling welll ..... = X

sigh ... haven't been feeling well since last wednesday .... been having indisgestion and blurping like a toad for the past few days... really feel like the "toad princess" that deardear calls me...sigh...

really blogged down with work these days... the weekend that just passed was packed with schoolwork that i din really get to see deardear except after i finished my work.even when i finally got to see him, time just FLEW pass....man!how i wish i could stop time and just spend some real quality time with him....

now i am in school doing work for my social gerontology paper.... did a bit of research and found that all the books that i need are GONE!!!argh.... borrowed by people who dunno how to return...sigh..nvm....i guess i will make do with whatever articles i can find and try to generate out a paper as best as i can.Frankly saying,i can't really be bothered with this paper anymore.i asked my lecturer[who happens to be my evil supervisor] for an extension but the possibilities of her giving it to me is like...0%.

heck la...shall not care too much le....even if she choose not to give me the extension,i shall still hand it in to her on wednesday during class...can't be bothered to further stress my already not feeling well body.

signing off....

blurp...blurp...blurp ....

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Pardon my language but i am REALLY PISSED!!!!

[dear .. sorry i am really very upset... had "ren" for the whole day le .... have to release before i go mad and i dun think i can control my language ... pls forgive me if i went over the line... i really can't help it ... i need to "release" the pent-up energy in me....sorry dear ... ai ni...]

today went for a meeting that does not make sense at all.the only thing i got out of the stupid meeting is that social work majors [honurs students mind you] are just bitchy, cynical and lazy ppl who only thinks the best of themselves and that the rest of the world are just shitheads who are there to be made use of to reach their own peak!!! man ...this is damn !%$$%&%& irritating!!!! i am going mad with ppl like that who permeates every single moment that i am in school ... this kind of situations makes school irritating and sucky as well as meaningless!!!!!! i just felt like i am just a piece of meat for the hunger devastated pack of lions to devour on.... man!!! can someone ... just someone tell them in their faces that school is not about stepping on your classmates to reach your DISTINCTION!!! #%$#&%&*% man!!! wat is this F^&^#**^##@ education system doing to these "so-called educated" bunch of ppl?!!! where has all the passsion and compassion for humans gone to!!!! man!!! this is so .... @!##@$$^%$^%&&%$@^$ ... !!! Call themselves "FUTURE SOCIAL WORKERS" kiss my ass!!!!

whew ... that's fustrating issue one ... now on to the next ...

got home and was having a peaceful evening [the second peaceful evening with yesterday as the start of one ...when deardear came over to help me look after the babes so that i can concentrate on my work ..... deardear ... thanks!!! hughug ... you were really really a great help!!! really appreciate all that you have done!! muackmuack!!! ai ni!!! you know?you know? = ) hehe ..... niam niam ... hehe ... ] then all hell broke loose!!!! argh .....

well, those who had been reading my blog should be able to guess wat went wrong .. YES!! communication problem with mommy again!!! hai ... Sometimes, just sometimes, times like this really make me wonder whose fault it is ... ??? mine? hers? or that there is some underlying misunderstanding between the two of us thus we can never communicate without coming to blows with each other ... ??? hai .... sometimes.... i really wonder. And it is times like these that really make me feel that i had failed... firstly, as a daughter, secondly, as a social worker.... why it is that i can't seems to talk to my mom without her misunderstanding me? why? why? why it is that two persons who love and care for each other can't talk to each other PEACEFULLY????

HAI .....

Monday, March 21, 2005

Dear ....

Dear ... thank you for forgiving me ... and assuring me that things remain the same ... i have something i wanna tell you .....

"Deardear ... i promise you that i will never never ... ever again do what i did that day ... NEVER... EVER ... AGAIN ... I promise."

"i promise you that no matter what happen, i will wait for you to come out and clarify things instead of jumping to conclusions. No more, "i thought, you think, who confirm" scenarios ... I promise."

Dear .... i love you.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

i really dunno what to say ....

i had done something that i shouldn't had done in the first place .... i broken a promise which i made .... broken promises = broken trust ... but this time round ... i din do it on purpose ... i did it cos i was really upset ... there was no one i could talk to at that moment of time ... i did what i could to calm myself down ... even though i know its the wrong method of handling things ... yes i should have waited for him to book out and clarify things with him ... instead of jumping to conclusions and get myself so upset ... dear's famous quote .. "you think, i thought, who confirm?" ... isn't it like the 90/10 principle which i put on my previous blog? today ... i know that i had done wrong ... i dunno what to say or feel .... a "dui bu qi" does not seems adequete ... nothing seems sufficient to clear myself of this wrong ... no matter what i say or do ... is insignificant ...

the tears i shed ... are tears of fear and guilt ... now ... how do i exactly feel ???
  1. fear - real fear that is forever craved into my heart and memory ...
  2. guilt - definately ...
  3. pain - felt as if my heart was crushed ...

really dunno wat to type .. just brainless rambling ... i felt as if there is a dent in the relationship now ... all cause of me ... i just wish .. jus wish ... that i had not done what i did ... i just wish ... i really wish that things will be fine ... i really just wish that the dent can be mended ..

but once trust is broken ... will there ever be trust again? or will it be shadowed by mistrust and suspicions? i really dunno ... dunno ....

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

90/10 Principle

Used to have this printed and sticked to my wall in my old hall room in Kent Ridge Hall .... Helped me through a lot of situations in life - relationships, studies and with friends ... it was a wonderous help as it helped me adopted another perspective to life and its situations .... now, i am going to put it on my blog to help remind me again of the "other perspective" life offers ......

The 90/10 Principle
What is this principle?
10% of life is made up of what happens to you.
90% of life is decided by how you react.

What does this mean?
We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us.

We cannot stop the car from breaking down.
The plane may be late arriving, which throws our whole
schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic.
We have no control over this 10%.


The other 90% is different.
You determine the other 90%!

How?

By your reaction. You cannot control a red light,
but you can control your reaction. Don't let people
fool you; YOU can control how you react!

Let's use an example.

You're eating breakfast with your family.
Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened.

What happens next will be determined by how you react.

You curse.

You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the coffee cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize them for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows.
You storm upstairs and change your shirt.

Back downstairs you find your daughter has been
too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school.

She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work.

You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school.

Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph
speed limit. After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60
(traffic fine) away, you arrive at school. Your daughter
runs to the building without saying good-bye.

After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find
you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible.

As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse.

You look forward to going home. When you arrive
home you find small wedge in your relationship
with your spouse and daughter.

Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning.
Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the Policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?

The answer is D.

You had no control over what happened with the coffee.
How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.

Here is what could have and should have happened.

Coffee splashes over you.

Your daughter is about to cry.

You gently say, "It's OK honey, you just need to be
more careful next time".

Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs.

After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase. You come back
down in time look through the window and see your child getting
on the bus. She turns and waves.

You and your spouse kiss before you both go to work.

You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff.

Your boss comments on how good the day you are
having. Notice the difference. Two different scenarios.
Both started the same. Both ended different.

Why?

Because of how you REACTED.

You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens.
The other 90% is determined by your reaction.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle.

If someone says something negative about you, do not be a sponge.
Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You do not have to
let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it
will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing
a friend, being fired, getting stressed out, etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic?
Do you lose your temper? Pound the steering wheel?
Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket?
Do you try and bump them?

WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work?
Why let the "cars" ruin your drive. Remember
the 90-10 principle, and do not worry about it!

On your job, with your spouse, your children, traveling or at home
keeping your heart directed towards "LOVE" will help you
not fall prey to the traps of the enemy!
~Author Unknown


Miss Pissed ....

I woke up angry .... and currently ... i am still angry ... i just can't !@^#&IO &*$^ understand the things that are going around me anymore!!! why can't the @!#^&^%*%&$ her just give me my space???!!!! i am a 23 yr old adult!!! no longer a child for her to scream at or to nag at .... and if she is so !@#(#$#@#!$@&$ unhappy with me, take it out on me la!!! what the !~@^%*W^&^ ... why take it out on a kid .... stupid ... !@^$%@^%*^&%@^%#@ i am so bloody pissed!!!!

not going to school le ... today decided to stay home and do some work before heading down to ah ma's house to pei pei ah ma. just got news that ah ma got high blood pressure and that she is not taking her medication regularly. Sigh ... so many things are going on ... so many things i wanna say... so many things i need to do but i am either lazy to do or no time to do them at all!!! man !!! life is shit!!!!!

talking about congruence [read ushan's blog] .. i am not sure i am living a life of congruence too ... hai ... i find myself saying or doing things just so other parties can be happy ... so that they won't get hurt... and always putting other people before us is noble .....nice ....but at whose expense???!!!its always at our expense .... isn't it? and a lot of times, when ppl dun appreciate us ,or when we are at our tether's ends, we will end up feeling very very hurt and upset ... not with others.. but with ourselves .... is this all worth it???!!! i dunno .... i really dunno ...... many times [these days] ... i am thinking to myself ..... where is the real me .....

i am feeling lost .... literally ....

Friday, March 04, 2005

List of movies that i wanna watch ....

1) Series of unfortunate events

2) Hitch

3) Howl's moving castle

4) White Noise

5) Winnie the pooh movie

6) Spongebob Squarepants!!!

Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you


Deardear, thank you for your love, concerns and understanding… = ) was really happy and surprised that you took time out of your busy schedule to read my blog … hehe … = ) guess you really know me well … = p though I never told you that I blogged .. But you guessed that’s what I will do when in thought …. Thanks deardear .. this really mean a lot to me …. *hughug*

Deardear, I understand what you were trying to tell me over the phone just now. I also really appreciate what you were trying to do for me … by being understanding, you were hoping to lessen the stress that I will face/feel. For this, deardear, I promise you that I will give the previous post serious thoughts and to keep you in the loop of my thoughts process … hao ma? I really do not wish to make any rash decision which I will live to regret. I just want you to know that you are a very important part of my life … for now and the future. I want to share my life with you … hence, whatever decision I make, I hope that it would be a decision made by both of us … and one that both of us can live with.

And I am wishing with my heart, mind and soul that my going away will not affect our relationship … that it will work out the way you said it would ….

No matter what happens in life …

I …
Will …
Be …
Right …
Waiting …


sillyzhuzhu

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Reflections .....

today on my way for my make up lecture, i bumped into Dr Tan Ngoh Tiong [TNT for short] along the Social Work Department walkway.He scheduled to meet me at 4pm after my project meeting... saying that he needs to talk to me about something.Was a bit nervous cause the last time i met him was dec 2004 when he offered me a job in China which till date, i have yet to reply. So... went into his office with a tentative feeling .....

when i sat down, i felt at ease again. it had always been like this between us ... this special feeling,of comfort whenever we meet... even if we had not been in contact for some time ... its like old friends sitting down and catching up ... = ) really like this feeling ... this feeling which none of my uni lecturers had ever given me.with all my other lecturers, its always holding them in awe .... they always placed themselves "up there".but with TNT, its not so ..... really missed the times where i had worked with him and the fun we had .... *musing*

anyway ... other then the catching up of each other's life, he was more interested in what i am going to do now that i am graduating in ... eh ... 2 months time .... ?he asked me, "danlin, what do u want to do?what do u want out of life?" my reply was,"i want to be a social worker,but....reality and dreams does not match.i am facing a lot of[life's] stresses whereby being a social worker might turn reality into a nightmare..."

i was quite shocked [really shocked] when in response to what i said ... he asked me to start my own business and that he will be my consultant... man!!![shocked] he felt that i should start a company that does training for youths and children ... he felt that that is my forte as i have a great personality and that i am good with people.if i am to exploit my strengths, i just might be able to do something about the dead end that i am currently facing.he also suggested that i should attach myself to an agency that do that to establish myself and gain more experience before coming out on my own .....

reason why he felt that way: cause 2yrs back,i done a workshop with him and it was a success.

as i sat there deep in thoughts..... he re-offered "the job" [which he offered in dec 04]... to accompany him to China to be his teaching assistant in Beijing University. i think WeiXin knew about this ... the offer seems so tempting ... but .. but ... i know that this is not what i want...or what i need... i can't put down the commitments i have and just leave!i can't!i told him that i need to consider and that we will talk about it another day ....

TNT then asked me had i given any thoughts to wat i might wanna do, i confessed my plans of my stint to australia ... that i might go down to australia for one month in august and look ard for work ... and if there is work, to work for a couple of yrs before coming back singapore with the experience ... but i am also not that confident that i can make it there as i am not academically that strong .... but he told me this which ... brought tears to my eyes ... and gladen my heart ...

"grades are not about everything ... its about who u are and what u are ... you know your strengths... you are good at practice and you know it.Have faith!you will make it great as a social worker cause you have great personality!!"

he told me to give it a try and if nothing works out, let him know then we will see what i can do ...
*touched*

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES - i felt very gladen and happy with his encouragement and faith in me ... [as in alot of others had] but i am also very stress out and sad cause ....

NO - i am afraid that i will disappoint everyone... as i had several times in the past ... i am afraid that "the higher the expectations, the greater the fall" ... that i won't be able to deliever what i am "supposed" to ....

i know who i am ... i know what i can do ... i know what i should do ... but but but !!! the "me" now is not that confident anymore .. i already had my confidence shaken.i am not as sure of my abililties anymore ... it is stressful and worrisome that i am having so many ppl's expectations on my shoulders all at once .... plus the fact that i DUNNO WHAT TO DO NOW THAT I AM GRADUATING!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*feeling frustrated and pak che ..... in a loss.. in a whirlwind of thoughts ... hoping to sort them out soon....... *

Monday, February 28, 2005

Quizilla

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?


stumbled upon this on ushan's blog... hehe... went and done the quiz and ta ta!!! this is the results!! hehe ... i think i can see the "questions marks and "are you sure" on the heads of those who are reading my blog... hehe .. its for me to know and for deardear to find out.... !!! muahahahahah .... [evil laughter] = p

p.s: deardear... am i ? hehehehehehehehehehe

cuddle and a kiss
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?

yukirin2
You're a very bubbly, happy, caring person. You
love to be with your friends and you love
making them happy. Your always willing to bend
over backwards to help someone in need even if
you don,t know them. Plus you love making new
friends, which is why your always surrounded by
people. Remember though sometimes you need to
concentrate on your work, you tend to not pay
attention and can be rather spacey. Also
remember to do things for yourself sometimes
and don,t let people take advantage of your
giving nature.

Whats Your Personality(with PICS)

Hmmm... in a way this is quite true about me .... at times, ppl tends to take advantage of my so-called "shui bie" nature .... hehe .. guess time for me to learn to be a "big bully" ... muahahahah ... [evil and cheeky laughter ]

Pink info
Your Heart is Pink

What Color is Your Heart?

Hmmm... doesn't this "sort of" continues the previous quiz ... sigh ... its true ... i shouldn't keep living in my own world ... and keep thinking the world is the way it is .... beautiful, in my own eyes... but to wake up and see it as it is ...

HASH(0x8b800b4)
The Goddess of Roses and Love. You are a hopeless
romantic. Always optimistic and loving, you
have many friends and you are exceptionally
trustworthy. You are a innocent beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)

Am i .... ???? hehehehehe ... = p



Sunday, February 27, 2005

至少還有你

我怕来不及 我要抱着你 直到感觉你的皱纹
有了岁月的痕迹 直到肯定你是真的
直到失去力气 为了你 我愿意

动也不能动也要看着你 直到感觉你的发线有了白雪的痕迹
直到视线变得模糊 直到不能呼吸
让我们 形影不离

如果全部世界我也可以放弃至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里

我怕来不及 我要抱着你 直到感觉你的发线有了白雪的痕迹
直到视线变得模糊 直到不能呼吸
让我们 形影不离

如果全部世界我也可以放弃至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里

我们好不容易 我们身不由已
我怕时间太快 不够将你看仔细
我怕时间太慢 日夜担心失去你 恨不得一夜之间白头
永不分离

如果全部世界我也可以放弃至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里

-updates-

25th february:

today was a terrible day for me .... had a WHOLE load of datelines dumped on me during lecture.felt super stress out as i planned my schedule with my group members and realised that we only had 1.5 week to come out with a video production, complete with editing and ready for viewing and grading....ARGH!!!!was at the verge of pulling out my hairs when the list of things to do was dumped on all of us during a stupid crash course lab which taught us how to film,audio and lighting in 4 hours. but the thing that really make me feel stress out is the attitudes of the people around me. it is sometimes so meaningless to be studying.i mean i am not a person who gives up easily... but today really made me feel like giving up. how irresponsible can someone gets?my lecturers,my fellow class mates?sometimes i really wonders.....i just hope that things dun get worse then what already is .....

that evening,as i was on the train getting home,i just can't helped but feel super sian and moody ... was supposed to meet deardear for dinner but just felt so burnt out emotionally that i din wanna see him at all... sigh.... this is really not good man...actually sms deardear and told him that i dun feel like meeting him....and thankfully for deardear's understanding... he tried to hong me and ease my stress and sian-ness... = ) my dear darling went ALL AROUND tampines to search for sunflower so as to cheer me up ... but... ops!!! he couldn't find!!!none of the stores which he had been to carry it!!!! thank you my dear!!!thank you for your thought and efforts.... i really really appreciate it!!!hehe...tho i din get the flower,the flower is already in my heart le...

[@>----- ] can you see? =) and the cotton candy which he bought made my heart swell with happiness!!! serious!!!! deardear .... XIE XIE NI!!!!

that nite i was super happy .... cause of what my deardear had done. dear,thank you for all you had done for me .... i am sorry that i made u upset that nite .... it wasn't intentional ... hope that i won't do that again .... thanks my dear.... *small grin*

27th february:

guess i am really getting old le... muahahaha... as i am typing this,i am sneezing my nosie away!!!!!sigh .... today went to deardear's place ... and for no whatever so reason, i started to sneeze .... and when i say sneeze, i mean sneeze .... i jus din stop!!!!! been like this the whole afternoon ... now, though i am feeling super weak and breathless, i just can't rest cause i can't stop sneezing ..... hai ... hope to have this sudden sickness cured!!!ASAP!!! so that i can concentrate on the mountain of work which i need to do .... sigh ......

Thursday, February 24, 2005

ambiguity.....

at times,answers or meanings to questions asked can be expressed in a more straightforward manner instead of being ambiguous.however,being humans, we tend to give answers that have no absolute value.for example: "hai hao", "maybe", "ok lah", "not really" have a very ambiguous tint to it.the value of the answers fall between yes and no ... and there always exist a tint of the other side of the answer.when the reciever of the answer hears it,the person has to make efforts to intepret it "correctly" without misinterpretating it.and guess what..its a hideous effort trying not to misinterpret !!!!
in fact, many of life's misunderstandings arises from such ambiguity .... won't life be simpler if people could just answer directly to what is being asked?what is wrong with being direct and frank?if one's reason for using ambiguous answers and responses as a mean to prevent hurt or to delay explanations, it is just a poor excuse for explaining away one's cowardice of dealing with the problems head on .....

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

omens ....

last nite, when i woke up to go to the washroom, my anklet broke ....!!! and i couldn't fix it back ...never mind...then today during class, my bracelet broke!i really dunno what to say or feel ..... -_- " i just felt very very disheartened and upset .... i am not a person who is superstitious ... but i can't help but feel ... "is this a bad omen?" twice in a day, my bracelet and anklet [both given by deardear] broke!!!i can't help but feel uneasy about the whole thing ...

well,if i choose to think further, there could be alternative explanations other then the "ominous explanation" ... i.e: i was too rough or that the quality of the bracelet and anklet ain't that good ... but!! but!!! i just can't help feel ... that there is a bu xiang zi gan!!!i dun wish to think too deeply into what this could mean!!!

and as i was walking home from the mrt station ... something dawned on me!!! and it made me feel even more uneasy about everything!!! what if ... what if ...... sigh .... really dun wish to think le ... if it is so, so be it ba... i will leave it up to fate .... if it is really meant to be ... it will be ... if its not meant to be ... it will not happen... and i can be at ease?hmm ... i seriously doubt so .....

13th -15th February 2005

it was a wonderful getaway for the past few days!!! it really felt as if we were on vacation!!!hehe... we spent a lot of quality time together ... mostly nuahing ... mostly sleeping!!!Zzzzzzz....... hehe... and we also did a lot of naughty things!! hehe... opsy!!! = p

water guns!!!shoot!!shoot!!!shoot!!![i think = p ]San Jie and Eddy got QUITE WET during the ambush ... opsy!!! = p deardear..... did you get wet too??? hehehehehee = p [evil laughter] bubble bubble!!!tried blowing bubbles but!!! but!!!! but..... most of the bubbles ended up on my face....yucks!!! sticky!!!! = p

hehe...i really felt like a kid ... a very OLD kid ... hehe.. cos moi is 23 leh[as of 15th feb]!!! hehe ...its time to grow up and be more mature leh ......but .... hehe... guess not for a while ba.... hahahah = )

i am deliciously happy that i got a very very special celebration .... for my birthday and Valentine day ... one which made me feel warm,cosy,cherished and loved... = ) one which i will hold to my heart forever .... thank you deardear ... = )



@ > --------------------------------------

Thursday, February 03, 2005

黄昏 - 张栋梁

过完整个夏天 忧伤并没有好一些
开车行驶在公路 无际无边有离开自己的感觉

唱不完一首歌 疲倦还剩下黑眼圈
感情的世界伤害在 所难免黄昏再美终要黑夜

依然记得从你口中说出再见坚决如铁 昏暗中有种烈日灼身的错觉
黄昏的地平线划出一句离别 爱情进入永夜

依然记得从你眼中滑落的泪伤心欲绝 混乱中有种热泪烧伤的错觉
黄昏的地平线 割断幸福喜悦相爱已经幻灭

唱不完一首歌 疲倦还剩下黑眼圈
感情的世界伤害在所难免 黄昏再美终要黑夜

依然记得从你口中说出再见坚决如铁 昏暗中有种烈日灼身的错觉
黄昏的地平线划出一句离别 爱情进入永夜

依然记得从你眼中滑落的泪伤心欲绝 混乱中有种热泪烧伤的错觉
黄昏的地平线 割断幸福喜悦相爱已经幻灭

让我陪你 - 张栋梁

爱有一种魔力 我难以抗拒 总是如此美丽
你有动人魅力 我的一颗心 早已决定为你痴迷

要勇敢面对 把曾受伤的心慢慢放出来
用我的真心真意分担你的悲哀 拥有了爱 心就分不开

Oh Baby 你如果很受伤 让我陪你哭一场
外面的世界多精彩 就让我把你的眼泪轻轻拭干
有时候我们必须学会放开

Oh Baby 你如果很受伤 就当作是梦一场
你和我的未来充满无尽想象 要学会遗忘悲伤
才能 牵着手去拥有 爱的世界

要勇敢面对 把曾受伤的心慢慢放出来
用我的真心真意分担你的悲哀 拥有了爱 心就分不开

Oh Baby 你如果很受伤 让我陪你哭一场
外面的世界多精彩 就让我把你的眼泪轻轻拭干
有时候我们必须学会放开

Oh Baby 你如果很受伤 就当作是梦一场
你和我的未来充满无尽想象 要学会遗忘悲伤
才能 牵着手去拥有 爱的世界

你如果很受伤 让我陪你哭一场
外面的世界多精彩 就让我把你的眼泪轻轻拭干
有时候我们必须学会放开

Oh Baby 你如果很受伤 就当作是梦一场
你和我的未来充满无尽想象 要学会遗忘悲伤
才能 牵着手去拥有 爱的世界

当你孤单你会想起谁 - 张栋梁

你的心情总在飞 什么事都想去追 想抓住一些安慰
你总是喜欢在人群中徘徊 你最害怕孤单的滋味

你的心那么脆 一碰就会碎 经不起一点风吹
你的身边总是要许多人陪 你最害怕每天的天黑

但是天总会黑 人总要离别 谁也不能永远陪谁

而孤单的滋味 谁都要面对 不只是你我会感觉到疲惫

当你孤单你会想起谁 你想不想找个人来陪
你的快乐伤悲 只有我能体会 让我再陪你走一回你的心情总在飞 什
么事都想去追 想抓住一些安慰
你总是喜欢在人群中徘徊 你最害怕孤单的滋味

你的心那么脆 一碰就会碎 经不起一点风吹
你的身边总是要许多人陪 你最害怕每天的天黑

但是天总会黑 人总要离别 谁也不能永远陪谁

而孤单的滋味 谁都要面对 不只是你我会感觉到疲惫

当你孤单你会想起谁 你想不想找个人来陪
你的快乐伤悲 只有我能体会 让我再陪你走一回
当你孤单你会想起谁 你想不想找个人来陪
你的快乐伤悲 只有我能体会 让我再陪你走一回
你的快乐伤悲 只有我能体会 让我再陪你走一回

寂寞边界 - 张栋梁

我们之间闯进了贼 偷走相爱的一切
逼得我们伤痕累累
分手只流两行泪

你说决定错了无所谓 就算后悔也不要我陪
爱得平淡爱得浓烈都让你憔悴 我怎么做 你都拒绝

我来到寂寞边界 爱已失窃 心在淌著血
男人的无尽伤痛都锁进黑夜
面对背叛用了解还是谅解 寂寞边界伤心人还有谁

我们之间闯进了贼 偷走相爱的一切
爱让我们伤痕累累
结局只流两行泪
你说决定错了无所谓 就算后悔也不要我陪
爱得平淡爱得浓烈都让你憔悴 我怎么做 你都拒绝
我来到寂寞边界 爱已失窃 心在淌著血
男人的无尽伤痛都锁进黑夜
面对背叛用了解还是谅解 寂寞边界伤心人
我来到寂寞边界 爱已失窃 心在淌著血
男人的无尽伤痛都锁进黑夜
面对背叛用了解还是谅解 寂寞边界伤心人还有谁

我来到寂寞边界 爱已失窃 心在淌著血
过去的无尽伤痛都锁进黑夜 面对爱情用时间收拾破碎
寂寞边界伤心人已学会安慰

the past ....

what if the past refuses to let go of the present?won't one keep seeing the past in the present?or even into the future?the past is the past and whatever issues that exist then should remain back in the past and not be brought into the future ... and if the past issues are not resolved, it is very difficult to move into the future ... or to embrace the present ....

"when someone had loved deeply and given his/her all, it is very difficult to forget or to move on easily and embrace the next relationship with the same abandon..." " that's the reason why the first relationship is always the most significant .... because there is no fear, no restrictions ... one will simply gives their all ... and when it ended, it will always shadow over the heart ..."

-the wise gers-

if one finds that the past is hindering the present/future progress, it is important to resolve the issues as soon as possible and move on ... if not ... one will forever be living in the shadow of the past ......

shadow of the past .... dark .. ominous ...

a response to my "when you had loved deeply ... and had been loved back.. "

True Love?
i was jus reading my fren's blog. and well, like always, her entries never fail to let me have alot of gan xiang.

i used to be a believer of true love. i used to believe "the one", is one that gives u 100% and u give 100% to. but, no. i've learnt that it's not just that.

giving 100% to each other doesnt mean that u, as a couple, will be able to work through everything that comes along. giving 100% to each other doesnt mean that u will be able to accept and live with each other's faults and weaknesses. and, it doesnt mean that ur "principles" towards relationships will be the same. principles? now, dun come and tell me that that's irrelevant in a relationship and is reconcilable. nope. it's not. not when ur principles are conflicting. compromise on ur principles? it's not that easy.

i dun think i believe in true love at this moment. rather, i believe that love and effort goes hand in hand. a relationship without love would simply be companionship. and a relationship without effort would be like standing still and expecting everything to revolve around you and do your will without u having to lift a finger.
love's not that simple.

to me.

Flower Child

Ger: i agree with you that love and effort goes hand in hand in a relationship... love is what brings two ppl together, but its the efforts that maintain that relationship... i guess i might b the "lovesick puppy" now and that i most probably still will be some time down the road with him ... but i am also very confident that there are issues that will hit us soon and it is going to take more then love to keep us together ... love, faith, trust, commitment, understanding and efforts are going to fall in .... and fill the gap between life's challenges and our ideals. I know that life is not simple, though many of us wishes life to be so ...

ger ... thank you for your gan xiang .... = o )

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Pregnancy and Parenthood

A dear close friend of mine is pregnant and is currently going through her first trimester. The pregnancy is very difficult for her as she has 24/7 morning sickness throughout her first 8 weeks!!!!horror right??? now she is into her 10th week and well ... hehe.. she is still PUKIng!!! hehe ... = p

it is really interesting to take her car every wednesday morning to school ... and back home. = ) i get to experience a side of Er Jie which i never seen before... the mothery and sarcificial part of her ... Her tears, her pain, her depression ... all for the sake of the child. Whenever i hitch a ride from her, i always feel so blessed ... that my parents brought me into this world despite all the pain and sorrow which they must had undergone just to bring me into the world... not to say, nurture me into the person i am today. Er Jie will always tell me " When i got pregnant, the first thing i did was to call my mother and thank her for everything she had done for me" From her, i learnt to appreciate my parents and the heartache and pains that they muz had gone through for all of us .... my brother and me ....

my parents never complain whenever there is hardships ... they will also never let us know ... all they will tell us is this .. " study hard and dun worry about financial stuff k? daddy and mummy will put you guys through" When i was in primary school, i never really know how hard it was to make money ... all i noe was, i see a toy,i like i ask. And when daddy refused to buy, i will make him promise to get it for me when i do well at the end of the school year. I remembered that daddy always tries his best to reward us with our fave items, be it toys or books, just to motivate us to study hard and do well .... it is only when i started working during secondary 3 that i realises the hardships of making money .... and since then, i have matured alot more and understand more about the way life is ....

Life is definately hard ... being single and without any burdens, most of what you earn is for you to spend. But when you become a parent, [excluding those newly weds cause they mostly spend what they earn too ... ] life changes... you will realise that there is another precious life you need to cloth and nurture... and you will start making sarcifices and put things/money aside for that precious baby of yours ....

This is what our parents are .... they love us from the moment they thought of having children ... to the moment of concieving, to the point of discovery ... to the point of giving birth and finally.. nurturing of the child and till the death of the parents. Our parents love us ... more then life itself ... to them, we are the sunshine and the joys of their lives ... no matter how much disappointment we are to them, they are still always there to encourage us and catch us when we fall ....

Er Jie's pregnancy made me realised how precious my parents are to me .... no matter how much bad blood and rifts that had accumulated recently between us ... i still love them ... yes i am frustrated ... but isn't this part of growing up ..? for them to learn to let go of us and for me to learn to help my parents to grow too ...???

Pa, Ma... I LOVE YOU!!! i am not going to simply just give up on us and moved out of the house. I am also not going to just dwell in my frustration... i am going to talk to both of you, help both of you to understand what i am going through. I know that i should live my life for myself and not for anyone else [this is something which Er Jie, pa ma and everyone else had told me before] and i know it is hard to achieve especially when i am still the baby of the family and all my parents wanted to do is to protect me as long as they can. Now, i am approaching 23 le ... its time that i learn to be independent and be the adult that i am suppose to be ... to take care of my own life and affairs as well as let my parents enjoy their lives .... pa ma, i hope that you give me the chance ... the chance to grow up. No matter where in the world i am, i am still your child, your baby and i will always love you ... pls do forgive me for the inpending heartache which i may deal both of you ...

= ... (

wednesday afterthoughts ... the story of miss potty ..

days gone by at the twinkling of an eyelid... its so difficult to keep track of time ... it had already been a week since the birth of "wednesday blues" and its multiple birth of its siblings ... wondering what will be the thoughts of the brain since one week had gone by ... hai ...

the brain and the heart had a conference meeting today ... and just felt that things in life can be so meaningless ... that utensils around the kitchen can be so ungrateful ... so unappreciative ... just can't help but feel that the so-called pots and kettles whom are not so much better are actually talking bad about others!! so what if miss potty is a bit on the whinny side .. ain't miss kettle just as whinny .... ? who is miss kettle to be commenting and judging people!!! argh ... miss potty is just so irritated at the kind of unkind comments and judgements which she seems to be getting from her so called "utensil buddies"!!! hai ... unfortunately for miss potty, she is not able to tell her friends off .... sometimes due to circumstances, at times, she is simply too soft-hearted ....

because of this, the brain and heart decided to have a conference meeting today ... to discuss the incongruence that is existing in miss potty ..... and they found that, what the mind thinks is totally different from the heart!!! hai ... that's life isn't it... hence, the heart and mind is now discussing how they can come to a compromise which pleases both parties and yet not compromise miss potty's interests ... i really hope that miss potty can come to terms with whatever is going on and make her stand soon before she herself losses it and may heavens take pity on those other utensils when all hell break loose!!!!mind you ... miss potty does have quite a nasty temper when she is really upset ....

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

when you had loved deeply ... and had been loved back..

i once had a conversation with a friend and she told me this ...

"is there true love? that one will find the so-called 'the one' and be
happy with him for the rest of your life?or it is just a modern myth?that
all modernits are purely living in illusion?when there are so many bastards
and bitches who only toyed with feelings ... and see one nite stands as a thing
of the future?can one truly find a man who really love you and not cause of
what you had done for him?that he is not loving another while holding you in his
arms? "

what she told me generated a lot of thoughts on love and stuff like that ...but one thing which i know for sure is this... all human in love are selfish creatures ... you would want to be the only love of the someone whom you are in love with ... this is the ideal ....but i also know that in the modern world ... the truth about relationships are not as glamorous ... many ppl. marry for companionship ... or that the person just happened to be the "right choice" as he fulfilled the five "Cs" and stuff like that .... or worse, cause of responsiblities to the family, etc etc ...

this is not the kind of relationship i am looking for.i wan to marry for love ... i believe in fairy tales and that if you had loved deeply,the person who loved you will loved you back as deeply.after having been in a few relationships, i realised that, that is not the truth at all. even if you had been really truthful and had put in your all, it is no guarantee that the one whom you gave your all will love you back as deeply.

i am a testimony of that ....in my last relationship, this is the way it had been .... 100% is not equal to 100% ... my 101% was always met with 75% or even less ... and it took me 2years to realise that is not true love ... that i myself can not accept anything less then 100% or more.... no matter how hard i tried to accept or force myself to .. i just simply can't ...

in a way,i guess i have to thank SATAN. without him, i won't realise how much i can love another ... without him,i won't had grown so much in my knowledge and experiencs in relationships... without him, i won't know how precious my love with deardear is ... i guess i might not had appreciated deardear as much if i had not met SATAN first ...

Er Jie once told me this ...

"God always has his plans for us.He may place many wrong people in your life so
as to make you grow,learn and appreciate the finer things in life. And when the
right one appears, you will know for sure and be able to treasure him ... and
nurture the relationship the way it is "

San Jie said something along the same lines....

"in life, we often take for granted those who loved us ... thinking that they
might not had been good enough to us.. it is only when you had lost them, then
would you appreciate them for who they are and what they had done for you ....
and if you hadn't met the worst,you won't know what are the best..."


i agree with what both my Jies had said .... and now i know what it is liked to love... and to be loved back the way that you had given ... i have finally met the only guy who i love 100% and who love me back that 100% ... and i can confidently tell myself this ...i've met "the one" ... = )

For my friends out there .... are you still holding onto "someone"? whom you think loves you back as fully as you had ?have you taken a step back and re-see the way things were ... ? many a times, the way we percieved the relationship/a person in its best light is actually what our hearts want us to see ... not what is really there. the purpose of our hearts is to blind us to what really lies underneath all that "brightness"... minimizing the hurts the truth can bring us ....

when you had loved deeply and had been loved back ... you will know it as "the truth" ... and there is no way of denying it ... or running away from it ... "the one" will be there waiting for you, when you are ready... guess this is called FATE ... = ) BUT ... if you know he/she is not the one for you, please learn to let go .... dun be like me yah? *hugz*

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Re: Ger ....

Hi girl, just read your blog and felt much better le ... thanks thanks!!! = ) guess i was really feeling unassured.He had assured me before he read my blog ... and after reading yours,i know that i need to have more faith in him even if not in myself. it is definately not fair to pin him down just because of a dream.thanks girl ... i really dunno what would i had done without your encouragements and pep talk.Hugz!

Hehe ... you are not the only one who cut and paste my "reason,season and for life"!!! hehe... my other girlfriend,WeiXin also did it .. hee ... feel free to cut and paste k... hugz!!!

For one, i hope that you will be for life too ... even if you are only for a season, i am very glad that i have this season with you.to share all our joys and tears ... to share the crab and the late nites ... thanks gal!!! hugz Smiley Gal!!! = )

P.S: me always around too!! haha ... = )

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Stuff dreams are made of ...

have you experience times when you wake up from a dream asking yourself why you dreamt of that particular something?well ... our dreams are our subconscious ... it depicts what is in our subconscious or even our thoughts.. hence the chinese saying "ri you shou shi ... ye you shou meng". though many would say that this is just bullshit ... there is no scientific proof or whatever lah... but then how do you explains dreams of the future?those that gives you deja vu feelings as if something in your life which happened before had just been replayed in your dreams... or those dreams which let you have a glimpse of the future .... those times when you just suddenly have this deja vu feeling as if you had experienced this situation before when its for the first time .....

dreams are real ... they are very much a mystical and unexplainable part of our wonderful mystic human mind ... i believe in dreams ... i believe that the stuff that make up life are dreams ....

in fact ... i had just experienced the most wonderful part of my human mind ... it made me see what is really deep down in my subconscious ... the fear that is buried there ... the fear which i thought is not there but is there .... the fear that resurfaced after events of the past 2 days ... i thought i had gotten over it ... maybe i really had ... but what happened had brought it back ...

i am sorry .... its not something i want ... it just happened ... i dun like this too ... but ... i can't deny its existence ... guess this is normal and all i need is assurance and hugz and i will be fine ... i know this can be tiring ... but ... i really can't help it ... pls forgive me .... hughug ...

Thursday blues ....

woke up this morning feeling upset cause of a rather restless nite ... had a chat with deardear before i left for school .... guess i was really grumpy and cranky last nite ... that i was actually mean to my deardear .... deardear dui bu qi ... wo bu si gu yi de ... really felt terrible and guilty that because deardear tot i was angry with him, he couldn't sleep the whole nite .... deardear, try to rest early tonite k ... ? thanks for the pep talk this morning ... i was feeling much better after that ... hughug... = )

left home at 1030am for school ...as i was dead tired .... the moment i board the train at tampines, i fell asleep and din wake up till Dover ... argh!!! i overslept my stop!!!Buona Vista!!!!sigh..in the end had to take the train to Clementi and take bus 96 then change to internal bus... was a bit late for laboratory .... sigh ... dun like to be late for anything ....

brought out my laptop to school today cause i needed my tutor to help me set the JDK path for me so that i can do the programming at home ... but alas!!! my laptop decided to slaughter my hard disk before my tutor .... me and my 3 tutors were at a complete loss when that happened ... luckily my lecturer came in at that moment and brought me down to the computer helpdesk and asked them to help me check ...

conclusion: my hard disk had just committed suicide ... after a tiring 4 yrs of servitude to me ...

the moment i heard that ... my heart stopped ... my mind went into recluse ... i dunno how to react ... i felt like the world had came crashing in on me when i am at the lowest pt of my life ... the only thing that went thru the almost blank mind of mine was "all my work ... are not backup"... i dunno how to describe the myrid of feelings that were coming in and out of my heart ... it was really "you kou nan yeng". just felt like crying but the tears won't come ... my eyes hurt ... but the tears just won't come ....

in the end... i called deardear ... deardear was very sweet ... he was suppose to take a nap but he woke up instead and helped me sms his IT friends to ask around what can be done....he even offered to go down to Sim Lim Sq with me on Saturday to ask around and see what can be done... this weekend is a very short wkend for him as he is the book in DO on sunday.. yet, he is willing to make time for me .... i was speechless when i heard his offer,care and concern .... was very very happy and lucky that i have such a deardear .... deardear,thank you for everything ... i really dunno how to thank you = ) .. i was very very touched ... hughug... = ) after talking to deardear, i went back into lab to finish up my work... its another day of head throbbing and not knowing what is going on... java programming is really not my cup of tea .... but i am gg to perserve on! i know i can de!!! with my deardear's encouragement and all .. how can i possibly disappoint him?!hmph! i can de!!! java programming, you just wait!i will conquer you!i know wo xin de!

after lab ... had another chat with deardear ... haha ... finally laugh and smile for the first time in 2days ... deardear ... thanks for your "jokes" ... = D ... i am sorry that i am such a sourface these 2days ... will try to remember all that u have told me and keep my smiles and laughter ... sorry that i deprived you of them ... i believed that they will come back soon ... = )

after that , i went to the gym to destress .... the workout was good .. at least it keeps my mind off things ... halfway thru the workout, Lip Sing called and i told him the problem with my laptop .. he told me that he might be able to help and asked me to go down to Sim Lim Sq to meet him and let him have a look [as he is working there] ... i looked at my watch, 330pm le and realised that it was not possible to reach deardear to consult him whether should i go and meet him ... so i took matters into my own hands and went ....

i actually figured that if i had went like that without consulting deardear,i am courting trouble ... but guess i was not in a clear mind to think ... i was simply anxious to get my answer... whether can my data be retrieved.. .and if it could, at what cost ..... deardear, its not that i am not appreciative of what you are doing for me ... its just ... i know its no excuses .. i am sorry that i have disappointed and hurt you ....... =.. (

met up with Lip Sing and went around with him to check out those shops which do retrieval of data .... after asking the 3rd shop ... i know its a goner. there is no way i can get back my data ... felt very very down and resigned ... it is simply not worth spending $1500 or more just to retrieve my data ... guess the only thing i can do now is to check with my professor if my soft copy is still with her.. if it is not ... guess i will be sitting right in front of my PC for the next 2 weeks ... hai.

after i left Lip Sing, he started messaging weird weird sms-es which i can't make sense of .... one of the sms was "i realised that you don't look for me unless you need me for something" ... i felt very hurt cause that is not the case! i was afraid to look for him or to spend too much time with him cause i am afraid that i will give him false hope!!! even when i am attached, he is already so pestering le.... what more if i dun give him the distance!!! why can't he understand??!!! he is a very good friend ... i really dun wish to hurt him .. but in my own selfish pursuit of happiness i had hurt him badly .... to the point that he asked me to get out of his life .... i guess ... there is no way we can be frenz anymore ....

Lip Sing .... i know that you don't have access to this blog ... neither will you ever know this ... but i just wanna type whatever is in my heart out ... so i can finally let go of you as a friend ....

" you have always been a good friend .. a friend whom i treasured dearly ... however much i wish i can reciprocate your feelings for me ... i simply cannot lie to myself and you. i really dun have any feelings for you other then that of a good friend .... i dun want to hurt you more by lying to you.... if it makes you happy to have me gone ... i will. even though losing you hurts me greatly cause i have always considered you one of my close friend.... take care .... and go pursue the real happiness in your life... be happy"

the incident with Lip Sing reminded me of my own blog entry a few days ago ... "reason,season and for life..." i really need to learn to apply what i know to my life ... to let go of the reasons and the seasons .... but cherish and hold on to the "for life" ....

sbmtzmm .... dui bu qi ... wo hao xiang ni ... zhen de hao xi wan xian zhe ke yi can dao ni ... ke yi yong bao ni .... ai ni de zhuzhu ...

rainy day ...

i yearn for a rainy day in this hot hot season of blue blue skys n days ... a cold rainy day whereby i can stay inside a coffee house, just holding a cup of hot chocolate...looking out of the windows ... imagine that i can see the tiny raindrops slowly trickling down the window panes .... hear the pattering of the raindrops on the window sills as i enjoy the aroma of the chocolate and the warmth of it as it tickles down my throat ... and as i looked around, i can see people smiling and laughing at each other .... its such a cosy warm feeling ....

i yearn,i yearn .... for such a day .... and when will that day comes ....? i wonder ....